A few thoughts on college, in retrospect
It’s been around three months since I started working. I happen to work in an industry in which long hours are prevalent, which means that I don’t have a lot of time for myself.1 However one thing that I do end up thinking about often is how I spent my time in college. I have a few regrets, but one voice that echoes overwhelmingly loud in my head tells me that I should have done more in college, had more experiences, and lived more life. Why do I think so?
Kare toh karein kya bolein toh bolein kya
It is easy to think about your life in retrospect and find a thousand mistakes. This is why when I think about the cumulative six years I’ve spent in college(s), I think I should have done way more than I ended up doing. It is also worth noting that at least for me, a lot of the “Oh I should have done this” is not about the hardcore productive things I missed out on doing, but are largely about living more life.
My biggest regret is not taking enough trips with my friends. It is not enjoying my life to the fullest. It is not living fully in the moment. It is not being fully present in each class I attended. It is not being grateful for each day I got to spend in the fantastic institutions I attended. Only if I could go back in time and tell a young Divyanshu that this time is precious beyond imagination and the best days of his life, maybe he would be happier. Perspective is a funny thing. It is funny because you truly only ever grasp the moment once it has passed. In the moment, you’re all too naive. When my elder sister told me that my college days would be the best days of my life, I did not fully grasp the meaning of what she said. Until now.
It is ironic that you cannot convince most college students that these are indeed some of the best days of their lives. I remember being angsty and very unhappy with my life for the most part during my time in college.2 If someone were to come up and say that this is the best time of my life, I would’ve gotten more depressed! The same sentiment was echoed by some students after I tweeted this.
But of course, it is not all about having fun and messing around. C’mon folks, we are all serious people here. My biggest regret academically is that I did not study wide enough, in class and outside of it. I regret not taking more electives than I did, and not studying more diverse things. I regret not following what my true interests were, and focusing more on what I thought would make me more employable (which may or may not have helped, I would not know).
When I look back, the main theme in my head is that I should have utilized my time better. Not to say I should have been a productive maniac, but to say that I should have read more books, read more blogs, spoken to more people about things that interest me, attended more workshops, and lived my life more actively than passively. I don’t think I by any stretch of imagination wasted my time in college (at least most of it), but I do think there was a lot of learning I missed out on. As I said earlier, one can never be satisfied with their performance, and it is easier to criticise yourself for your past actions - but I still think if I had the perspective I have now then, my life would’ve been different than how it was. I think I would be more careful of how I spend my time (as one should be, always).
However when I look back and look at all the things I did in my last few semesters, and ask myself if there is anything I regret doing in terms of that activity being a waste of my time - the answer is no. Even the countless hours, I spent whiling my time away in my friend’s rooms, doing absolutely nothing but asking each other pointless hypothetical scenarios until the crack of dawn were not a waste of my time.3 During the same time I was dating somebody in college with whom I spent countless hours just walking around campus, watching movies in the library & roasting people. The relationship, unfortunately, did not survive; but I don’t think of the time I spent with my then-partner as a waste of my time at all. I’m particularly adding this bit because surprisingly for a lot of people, relationships are a ‘waste of time’ or a ‘distraction’, especially during college. I’ve always been baffled by this perspective. I’ve seen people break up because they had an immense sense of guilt that by dating someone they are not truly following their goals.
Anyhow, it’s interesting that when I look back at how I spent my time in college, I cannot say I was wasting my time. If that is so, then it would be a tad bit unfair for me to think that I should have utilized my time better. The answer perhaps lies in the (lack of) awareness of the fleeting and precious nature of those moments. If I knew that this would be the time of my life in which I would have the most room to let my thinking run wild, that I would have all the time of the world in my hands, that I have the least obligations to anyone and the most freedom to do what I want - If I deeply knew and understood that in my veins, my life perhaps would have been a little different. Not to say better. Just different, perhaps. Who knows what could’ve happened? As the famous (?) Jackky Bhaghnani film title says, ‘Kal Kisne Dekha?’.
Much Rambling for what?
I realise I write far too often on the topic of college. As far as I know, it stems from my discontent with myself. Like many people, I am never satisfied with what I do. A partner once mentioned to me that it is my nature to devalue what I do and have, and overvalue what others do and have. I am sure I am not alone in this and many others share this outlook. Keeping that bias aside, a lot of my posts are writings to my younger self. And if young Divyanshu was reading this, I would tell him the following things:
Most constraints that you think bind you, are imaginary. The only constraint is how hard you want to solve the problem.
Periodically, talk to yourself about what your priorities are in life and act accordingly.
Have some urgency in Life. Yes, don’t rush into or out of things but know that you don’t have unlimited time in life.
Read more books. Please. I beg you.
Reach out to more people, ask more questions, and write more often no matter what you think of it.
Don’t attach your self-worth to where you’ve come from. Don’t feel like an imposter. Look forward, and appreciate all the little wins. The point is to keep moving forward and not be bogged down by ghosts of the past.
Lead an aim-driven life and not a routine-driven life.
There are way more cooler things, and people out there than you think. Find them.
Become free of external judgment as soon as you can. Set your principles and live by them.
The true measure of success is internal and never external. Be aligned inside and everything outside will automatically fall in place.
All of this advice is applicable to me right now as well, and I am trying to live up to it. As a side note, a lot of growth only comes after much failure - personally and professionally. The ideal scenario is to learn from other’s mistakes and experiences but as the social idiots all of us humans are, we rarely learn something until we go through it first. I don’t think I could possibly know any of this when I was younger and it is only after having lived through those experiences, that I now know better.
Do I still fail? Of course, I do. Far too often than I’d like. But at least I know better. And that’s important. To learn, and live better is the essence of the human condition. And when has anyone escaped that?
I am not entirely upset about the lack of time for myself. I do believe that the 20s are the time for you to work intensely hard and build something - a reputation, or a product. As Prof. Galloway writes, “Balance is a myth, there are only trade-offs”.
As most of the college students are. It is very surprising how overwhelmingly pessimistic and negative most college students are. I wonder why.
The hypotheticals were questionable, to say the least. Raghav, Shlok, Ashwin, Akhilesh - I’m looking at all of you.