The motions of life
I’ve not been able to publish in some time. I quit my job, took a short break, and started a new job. I also haven’t had the time to sit down and think, which after a point of time, irritates me. Thankfully I am getting into the groove of my job and getting used to the new schedules and people. I’ve been thinking/ experiencing a bunch of things - so here is a fragmented snapshot of my mind
The treasures of thinking
I do not wish to lead an unexamined life. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you would know that I am obsessed with being mindful and measured about everything that I do. Ideally, I do not want to do anything without thought and/ or cogent reason. Sometimes, I fail. But with every day I get better. I’ve realised, it is nothing but a habit and you build a habit over time.
I am turning 26 in a month. My older friends tell me that I am in the peak of my youth. Of course - I feel different. I won’t say I feel old, but my body has started to rebel against my youthful ventures.1 Leaving the flesh aside - the most growth for me has come from change in perspective and decision making. I still am miles and miles away from who I want to be, but I also have come a long distance from the Divyanshu with a monkey brain. You may ask, what changed?
It all boils down to the fact that I am now more careful about calibrating my actions with the outcomes I want. If an action does not lead to, or actively goes against, an outcome I desire - I try to not go through with it.
Of course, I fail horribly both in frequency and impact of my decisions. But for me there is consolation in the fact that it is becoming second nature for me to be thoughtful about my actions.
The downside of leading an overly examined life is that you constantly assess every little action and thought. Nothing is permitted to exist for its own sake. Actions and thoughts are either optimal, or illegal. There is no silliness or goofing around. You constantly murder the small aberrations and desires for the safe and optimal outcome. You become risk averse - since any risk could lead to an uncertain and potentially unfavourable outcome. You take the heart from your sleeve and push it deep into the back pocket.
Perhaps the most pernicious of my habits is to be stuck in the space between knowing something is bad for me, and not being able to do anything about it. So I go on, making the same mistakes and hating myself more with time. So here I am, in the midst of the great battle in my head. Should I live the risk-free, ideal life or should I toss my inhibitions and do what I feel? Is is better to live a safe life where you control each aspect of your life, or is it better to do what you want to do, even if it comes at the cost of your time, energy and feelings?
As an aside, I always like to remind myself that most of one’s troubles arise from not knowing oneself deeply. It is imperative that we know who we are, what we stand for, what we want etc. Life’s problems often find their udgham2 in the struggle between what we want to do vs. what we want to be. One of my life’s aims is to know myself well enough before I die. I don’t want to die in a stranger’s body.
The monotony of a upper middle class corporate lifestyle
I’ve been working for around two years now. I have a good job. I am paid decently. I am not shy to spend my money. I have been able to solve most financial constraints for myself and lead a upper middle class lifestyle. I go to good restaurants, clubs, concerts, visit my friends in different cities, buy my family and friends gifts, hire house help to make my life easy etc. It is a comfortable lifestyle. And unfortunately, I’ve gotten too comfortable.
Every week, I go through the motions of work, dining out, ordering in, watching movies, meeting friends at food joints, hanging out at friends houses and doing nothing. This is exactly the life I wanted for myself. And yet it seems artificial. Superficial. One of my biggest fears is that I will lose myself in the mediocrity of the masses. And I can say that it is becoming true for the most part.
I heard a phrase in a random Instagram reel about having a more happening life which has since then been my bedrock.
Nothing happens to regular dudes.
I have become a regular dude. To the extant that I feel that you could replace my face with some one else and no would notice any difference. It is as if I’m losing my fingerprints. Morphing into the quintessential corporate young Indian male. I hate it and I hope to change it soon. I don’t want to one day wake up at 50, with a wife and kids, with a deep desire to run away and abandon everything.
The question then is - what constitutes an interesting life. For me, what would count as interesting is if I read a lot of things (so I have knowledge about many things), continue my podcast (which has been in coma since last year), write more (this is an attempt to get back in the game), and pick up some new hobbies. Interestingly, you could do all that you think is interesting and still not be considered an interesting person. Why? Because your qualities have value if they are valued so by other people. This bring us to a conundrum i.e. does true value come from within, or externally. Is there any actual value in something if nobody else recognises it so? But I will leave this thread for sometime else, and for you, the gentle reader, to ponder upon.
Knick Knacks
A friend recently used the term ‘Knick Knack’ recently and I’ve been amused by it since then. However the knick knacks that I have to offer are pieces of media and reading that i have consumed recently and appreciated.
Reading
I’m technically in between Anirudh Kanisetti’s book Lords Of The Deccan. I say technically because I started it a month back and haven’t gotten back to it since. I enjoyed reading Being Oblique (musings on life), What’s The Matter With India (on India’s judicial system’s failure), and Find your People (a commencement speech at Bucknell University by Jessica Livingston)
Movie/ OTT
I thorougly enjoyed watching the Marathi movie Me, Vasantrao on the life of Vasantrao Deshpande - a renowned Hindustani classical musician from Maharashtra. I also enjoyed watching Malayalam movies Sookshmadarshini, and Ela Veezha Poonchira. Honourable mention to the brain-rot movies White Chicks, and Aiyya.
Music
I’ve been listening to a few Tamil and Malayalam songs recently. My favourites are: Munbe Vaa, Unakkul Naane, Merke Merke, Snehidhane, Nee Kavithaigala, Nishani. Otherwise I’ve been revising some songs from The Strokes, and Radiohead such as Alone, Together; Is This It; Last Night; Life In A GlassHouse; No Surprises; Pyramid Song etc.
Sketches
I am very happy that I have picked up sketching again. Sharing a few sketches I drew recently here.
Some of my friends quite dislike my inclination to identify as a old person, mentally if not physically. I am trying to rectify it.
Udgham means beginning. I have picked this word from a poem written by Jaideep Ahlawat’s character in Three Of Us - one of my favourite movies.
As someone who is turning 40 next year and thinks and writes about the things you speak of, I assure you, the 30’s get better. You develop more clarity in the kind of life you want, and then starting acting in ways to make it a reality. You’ll find your clarity soon!
Loved reading this one!