The unsolvable puzzle of Brilliance
Recently I was talking to a friend about what we fear the most. Our answers were similar - both of us were afraid of being mediocre, and alternatively - never becoming brilliant. If there was a central theme of my life, it would be the struggle to becoming better, of chasing brilliance. But never quite achieving it.
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The endless cycle and the toughest jump
I can still remember my parents telling me that I have a lot of ‘potential’ in me. I grew up hearing this phase repeatedly until after sufficient dissonance, I convinced myself that their belief was unfounded. For I could never see this potential myself. If I had it, where was it? Where is it? For whatever little good I did for myself academically, they always told me I had potential to do even better. I always had more ‘potential’.
Generally parents have a borderline irrational belief in their children as being capable of doing better that what they usually do. I am not sure how much of this is actual belief in abilities of one’s child and how much is wishful thinking. The latter because as a parent you tend to engage in status games. If your child is successful, you can use their success to establish your validity as a ‘good’ parent. Also, a successful child means a better living standard for yourself. So, even though most parents will swear to the fact that they only motivate their children to do better because they want them to do better for themselves - the root of this lies in them trying to establish a better future for themselves - subconsciously (especially in India where parents live with their children). This is not an allegation or alleging mala fide intent. It’s explaining evolutionary behavior.
Whenever I used to slack in studies, my mother used to say something to me that has since then become etched in my memory. She always said, ‘If you were dumb or dull, we would know that you aren’t capable of doing better and would be satisfied with whatever you did. But we know you are smart and capable, which is why we push you so that you can realize your potential’. In effect, being decently smart was a liability. It was a liability because that parental conditioning set me (and countless others) into the toxic endless journey of self loathe and crippling criticism. It didn’t matter whatever success I had, I could always do better - for I always had more ‘potential’.
It is not my argument that parents should not push their children to do better, or instill confidence in them that they can do better. To be fair, I don’t have an argument at all here. I only have a conundrum. How do you as a parent do one without the other? How do you manage to push your child to do better while making sure they do not develop crippling self loathe because they can always do ‘better’, or aren’t the best. I do not know the answer to this. If you’re a parent, please leave your thoughts and experiences below.
Growing up, I always had the urge to be be best.1 When I was young, I was lucky enough to go to a school where I was more or less the smartest kid (exams being the metric of course). That continued pretty much throughout my high school, my rank fluctuating among the top three. However it drastically changed once I went to college. Due to a mix of factors, I went from being at the top of my class to pretty much below average. However I was not concerned about being the best academically because I quickly realized that I did not want to continue in my field. Despite that in both school and college, I had my battle with competition in other fields than academics.
During school it was Basketball. I started as a below average player and worked my way up to being the captain of the team. I still remember the obsession I had for the game. I did not want anything as much as being the best player on my team. That was my first brush with the almost toxic and all consuming impulse to being the best. In hindsight I can say that for the most part I was merely a good player. It took a lot of work to first become a top player. I have struggled to replicate that obsession and motivation with anything else in my life, save for one activity - debating.
During college, I was mainly concerned with competitive debating. I focused more on it than my studies. Just as it was with basketball, I started out at almost the bottom. I remember being in the bottom 10 speakers of many tournaments in my first year. But because I was committed to becoming better, I never quit. Not to say that I never felt like quitting. There were multiple times I felt like this would be the last time I ever spoke or judged. But somehow I persevered. Throughout college, I have only cried twice - and both of the times it was because of debating. But eventually, I became better. Better enough to be the president of my debating society and to be considered one of the better debaters in the circuit. I still wish I had done better than I did. But whatever I did was still great, especially if you knew me when I started debating.
In both of these activities, I went from being below average to being good. But I never became brilliant at either. Never became the best, or even one of the best. This is the second central theme of my life till now (and here I reproduce the messages I sent to the same friend) “It’s my unsolved puzzle. I’ve never been exceptional at anything. Always been good, but not quite brilliant. I absolutely hate it with all my core. But probably not enough. For if I did, I would’ve been brilliant”. I have earlier said this in a tweet as well - it is very easy to go from average to good. But to go from good to brilliant is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do in your life.
I’ve always been fascinated by brilliance. By brilliant people. We have plenty of examples around us. I have brilliant people as mentors, as peers and juniors. But I just cannot put my hand on how does one become brilliant. Which values does on optimize for? Even though I am not naïve enough to seek some formula or talisman to becoming brilliant, I am just intrigued by what is it that makes people brilliant. Is it just the love for what you do, or is it hardcore discipline that transcends your choices? Is it being born into privilege that increases your chances of being brilliant, or does being from a not well do to background push you to becoming brilliant because of the high stakes? Do people become brilliant by cutting their ties with friends and getting off all social media, or do people become brilliant after interacting with even more people - learning from their experience? Does being lonely help with brilliance, or does being an extrovert increase your chances of success?
How do people become brilliant? If you have any suggestions and insights, please leave your comments below.
Also I think every individual makes the same claim. Too many people say that they want to be the best without actually meaning it. My fear is to become someone like that. Or maybe I am already one of them.