Understanding growing up
One of the most mystifying things I’ve heard and experienced is the notion of growing up. Everyone is told to grow up in one context or the other. Often it is used in situations where you are asking the person to stop being immature. You’re told to grow up when you sulk. You’re told to grow up when you' have a heart ache. You’re told to grow up when you crib about any problem. What is this mystical process of growing up, after which you supposedly become a purushottam?1 But more importantly, how do you grow up?
The death of the child
One of the most recognizable motifs in psychology and human development is the idea of transition from a child to a man. It is only when you metaphorically kill the child inside you, remove yourself from all the urges, habits and ways of thinking of a child - that you become a man. It is also consistent with the traditional rituals in many tribal societies who have rituals that signify the transition of a child into a man. They are also known as male rites of passage.
The central idea in any of these transformative rituals is the act itself. The child needs to do something outwardly dangerous and even crazy, to prove that he has now become a man. Those who fail don’t attain manhood. See for example Vanuatu land diving ritual - an act in which the child is tied to a rope and has to jump from a wooden structure straight into the land, no padding. The length of the rope is calculated so that it stops right above the land but because of no safety procedures, death is common. Even though such rituals appear bonkers to most of us, this is very much in line with what we popularly understand as an ideal man. Someone who is strong, takes risks, is dangerous but benevolent, protects his family and tribe and ever ready to sacrifice himself for greater good etc. etc.
The problem of modern masculinity and modernity in general is that it has taken us too far from tribal rituals and processes that we’ve been accustomed to for almost all of our evolutionary history. My argument is not that we are worse off for that. In fact, who would want a life of hunting and gathering where you are always at a risk of getting brutally killed by either animals or by warring tribes? Or for that matter, can die from common cold and insect bites? My argument is that we as a species, have moved away from such primitive associations and rituals far too quickly through rampant industrialization and advent of technology, which has not allowed us to genetically and culturally adapt adequately to the changes of modern life.2 Possibly the reason for the nostalgia for a simpler life, and criticism of capitalism and working under it, is that as a civilization we still haven’t subconsciously adapted to this new life. I suppose that the discontent at the center of modern lifestyle, that exists even after you’ve attained the epitome of capital and power is the longing for those very practices and rituals. If you’ve3 been doing something for the majority of your existence and then suddenly it no longer exists, you’re likely to show withdrawal symptoms. The modern discontent may well be the withdrawal symptom of drifting away from our long standing primitive practices.
Emotional attyachaar
The one thing that is clear about growing up is that it involves killing the child and childlike behaviors. When you are told to grow up, you are basically told that you need to hide your emotions, learn to not let them take over you and react in a calm, rational and logical manner. I suppose some people will jump to relate the notion of growing up, especially in men, with toxic masculinity. I do think that there is one version of the growing up discourse that ventures into that territory, but I think that for the most part, the discourse is built around the idea of evolving your behaviors and how you respond to things in life in a better, calculated and calmer way.
Children react instinctively and naturally to stimuli. They don’t ponder and process. They express the first natural thought that comes in their brain. Don’t like something? Cry. Don’t know the difference between culpable homicide and murder? Cry. Like the taste of ice cream? Laugh. And so on. In life, I’ve realized that most of the adults are not actually adults, but overage babies. So many of us (us, because sometimes even I don’t act like an adult) still act instinctively and immaturely, even after being an adult for quite some time.
I would like to believe that the idea of growing up and becoming an adult is a continuous process. You falter, you learn. You falter, you get up. But I don’t quite like the idea that even after I’m 30 - I can still sometimes act like a child. That there will be some things that will break away from all the boundaries and cages of rationality that I’ve built for so long and with much hardship, and unlock the tones of emotion that I have locked up under the guise of processing my emotions. I don’t like the idea of not being in control of my emotions. But that unlocks a different conceptual conundrum. Why do we assign being emotional as a bad feature? This is the same line of thought that thinks of females as inferior because somehow they are emotional. This is the same line of thinking that appropriates males who like to express their emotions as feminine - as if it were a curse. My inquiry is that why is being emotional bad, and being non emotional or controlling your emotions good? And this is a matter of deep conflict within myself. Because as I’ve mentioned earlier, I want to be in control of my emotions and react in a calculated manner, but are emotions subject to the calculus of human control? Can they even be held back? Should they be held back?
The re-birth of the dead child
The first step in growing up is to realize that your behaviors are not serving you anymore and are in fact counterproductive for the most part. The realization is actually very hard to come by because when we are reacting naturally and intuitively to things around us, we are removed from a third party observer lens (at least for some time). It is only when you sit down and seriously think about situations and how you react in them, do you begin to understand what could be potentially wrong. So step one is to ask yourself “What would a rational adult do in such a situation?”. This works well for the most part and I don’t really want to go into the larger question of what does it mean to be a rational adult - the idea is to create a standard for yourself with respect to handling situations and then try to monitor or mold your behavior accordingly. Sometimes I ask myself the other version of the question, which is “What should I ideally do in this situation?”.
My main conundrum has always been with emotions. I am fascinated with the pursuit of controlling them. Which is why I don’t believe that learning to control your emotions necessarily means suppressing them, or is toxic for that matter. As an emotional being, you want the ability to handle, if not control, your emotions. Lest they become a hinderance in living a good life. I personally have always wanted to control my emotions and not be controlled by my emotions. For me, that is what growing up is all about. I heard somebody say once that the way to control your emotions is to understand that emotions are temporary residents in your being. So we shouldn’t say I am angry, we should say I feel angry. You are not what you feel. But, well, it is pretty hard to reiterate this to yourself when you are seething in anger or bawling your eyes out. So then, what is the way to master your emotions? I don’t know, but I do know that it is a worthwhile pursuit and one which I do want to undertake. Perhaps this is what growing up is all about.
The Adult
When I think about how my model behavior should be, I often end up thinking or wanting to be a-emotional. The cost benefit analysis on emotions is not a good report. I feel that there is a strong argument to be made that for the most part, feelings incur more cost onto you than benefit. And of course, the sadness feels more sad than the happiness feels happy. You remember only the sad parts and tend to forget the good ones. Which is why you always have to actively try to remember the good things.
The bad things never leave you. In some sense, you are an amalgamation of every bad experience you’ve ever had.
Freud Said that the most historically attested response to trauma is to repeat it. It is very similar to the idea of eternal recurrence that was propounded by Nietzsche - that everything that will happen has happened already. As the famous TV series True Detective puts it Time is a flat circle. It’s not about any patterns of behavior. It’s about the inability to break out of the cycle of existence. You repeat the same mistakes, commit the same crimes and experience the same emotions.
Thus the biggest problem in growing up and becoming an adult is to break away from this endless cycle. I assume that the way to do it is slowly and incrementally. Given that we cannot become a-emotional, we need to learn to live with emotions, but not passively. We cannot let our emotions control us. I find that idea particularly disturbing because I want to be in control of what I feel and what happens to me. But that’s impossible. To live and love in a society is to slowly distribute parts of yourself to others until others have more of you than you.4 The quest then becomes to train your mind to be calmer and more still, so that when the turbulence of emotions hits you, you don’t impulsively react to it. Growing up is a spiritual task. You cannot grow up until you control your emotions.
Many people confuse controlling emotions with the idea of suppressing emotions. You suppress something when you don’t have the faculty to process and deal with it. And on the other hand, you can only control your emotions if you know how to process and handle them. So I suppose that the idea of growing up is the initiation of a larger and life long journey. To be in control of your emotional, react rationally and logically to situations, learn to take up responsibilities and discharge them and not fear challenges. Another thing that is important with respect to growing up is the realization that it is a process, not an act. You don’t grow up. You keep growing up. With every experience, with every event, with every day. Incrementally, you become better.
On a side note, Wake up Sid is one of my favorite films on the idea of growing up. You can find a good analysis here.
If you like my writing, you can buy me a coffee :)
Purushottam means uttam purush - superior being. Also, one of the names of Lord Vishnu.
The argument is intuitive. I am still finding evidence for this, but I am pretty sure that it wouldn’t be hard to find. If you have any supporting evidence, please send.
I’m using ‘you’ to refer to the genetic makeup of humans. Given that we are our genes, and our behaviors are decided and regulated by our genetic makeup, and also that it is the genes and not the human experience that is the correct unit of measurement in evolution.
I’ve been trying to get Shrayana Bhattacharya on my podcast to discuss love and power. I am of the opinion that loving someone is giving power to them over you, but Shrayana argued (or at least how I remember it) is that is a very male centric way of understanding and looking at love, and that love is not about power.